I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
