well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
