I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
