i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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