I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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