The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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