I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
