someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Randomize
