Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
