sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
