peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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