I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
