I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
