Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
