i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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