Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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