Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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