Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
