oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
