i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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