hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
