I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
