Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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