I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
