two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Terrible idea I love it
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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