someone threw a dead crab at me
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
