she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
