Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Nobody cheats on THIS.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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