the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
