Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
