based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
