just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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