Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
