What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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