I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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