Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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