im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
