i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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