Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
