why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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