i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
