I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
only you would photoshop your dick
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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