4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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