What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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