Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
