i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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