Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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