So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
