Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
This is the high leading the old right now
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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