I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
